jokes

here are some of my favorite jokes... most of them are from the stuff that my friends sent to me... i find most of them funny cuz im pretty corny... so.... i'm sorry if these weren't able to make u laugh... hyuk hyuk...

There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the Car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Brand Statements of New Condoms
1. Rexona Condoms -- It won't let you down!
2. Superwheel Condoms -- Konting kuskos -- ayos!
3. Axion Condoms -- Walang dulas, walang amoy!
4. M & M Condom --    Melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
5. Motolite Condoms -- Tested na pangmatagalan!
6. Pantene Condoms -- Less at the roots, more at the tips!
7. Ivory Condoms --   Ang gaan ng feeling, sumusunod sa hangin!
8. Johnsons Pure Essential Condoms -- Because the baby is now a lady.
9. Max's Condoms -- Sarap to the bones!
10. White Castle Condoms -- Madulas sa lalamunan at walang hangover.Sakto!
11. Jollibee Condoms -- Isa pa, isa pa! / At home ang sarap!
12. McDonalds Condoms -- Sarap ulitin!
13. Eveready Condoms -- May lakas sa loob na tumatagal!
14. Energizer Condoms --   It keeps going, going and going...
15. Daricreme Condoms -- Pinipili ng mas mapiling ina.
16. Dingdang Condoms -- May laruan na, may yummy yummy pa!
17. Fujisan Condoms -- The quicker the nut, the crunchier.
18. Sprite Condoms --   Obey your thirst.
19. Selecta Condoms -- You simply must.
20. Maggie Me And My Mug Condoms -- Ang solusyon sa mini-gutom!
21. Gatorade Condoms -- Quenches deep down body thirst.
22. Polo Condoms -- It's got a hole in the middle and a mild minty taste!
23. Double Mint Condoms -- Keeps breath fresh -- naturally.
24. Mentos Condoms -- Hard on the outside, soft and chewy inside!
25. Swift Condoms -- Mighty meaty!
26. Purefoods Condoms --   Tender juicy!
27. Barney's Condoms --    A biteful of fun!
28. ZAA Nature's Touch Condoms -- Tanggal ang singaw mo, safe pa ang ngipin mo!
29. Flintstones Chewable Condoms -- Six flavours and seven shapes -- yabbadabbadoo!
30. Greencross Condoms -- Mainit-init at greaseless pa!

Food Spoilage Test

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd
benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

There was a dwarf that came into a bar one night. He asks the bartender for a beer. After he gets it, he takes a sip, and BPPP! Spits it in the bartender's face. The bartender got a little pissed off, but forgot about it. The dwarf takes another sip, and BPPP! He spits it in his face again. The bartender looks at him and says, "If you do that one more time, I'm gonna have to cut off your dick". So the dwarf smiles, takes a sip, and BPPP! He spits it in the bartender's face again! So the bartender says,"okay I'm gonna have to cut off your dick". And he pulls the dwarfs pants down. Only to find that the dwarf has no dick! The bartender is confused and asks,"If you ain't got a dick, how
do you piss?" Once again the dwarf smiles and BPPP! spits in the bartenders face.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they
were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

SIGNS OF THE PHILIPPINES

   * Notice *
NO Stambay

Vendors
Carry firearms inside the club
-Cavite

SLOW MEN AT WORK
--PLDT sign
(so much for zero backlog)

"Welcome to the Philippines-
The Only Catholic Country in Asia!"
and directly underneath that sign:
BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS

We Make Modern & Antique Furniture
   -- sign in Pampanga

Petal Attraction
-- a flower shop near U.P. Diliman

Please help our comfort room clean.
--self-service restaurant in Cebu

Jeepney and Bus signs
"Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off."
"Full string to stop driver."
"God knows Hudas not pay."
"For reckless driving, call ###-#####"
"Don't get closed to me, get closed to God."

A Sign we found in Baguio
"2nd Floor Upstairs."
    -- a convent

"Danger Wall is Falling!"
-- a sign on a cracked lopsided wall along Libis, QC.

     Pansit ng taga-Malaboni - sign along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong

     Cooking ng ina mo - a carinderia
     Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across from "Cooking ng ina mo"

REAL ADVERTISMENTS
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
14. For sale: Three canaries of undetermined sex.
15. Great dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
18. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
19. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
20. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
21. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
22. Man, honest. Will take anything.
23. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
24. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard tofind person.
25. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
26. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
27. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
28. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to   growth of family.
29. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
30. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his
teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some
difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and
would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with
Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs
to her bedroom, and closes the door.

First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.

Now take off my bra...
which he does.

And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny,
PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

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